I feel that I can speak for some people when I say that when a new relationship blossoms, it’s exciting, fresh and almost always exactly what you wanted. Almost every box is ticked and things are going well! RESULT. Finally! Yet, sometimes, when the stars don’t quite align, there are things that perhaps we would like to change. Like the people that your significant other has previously been with.
It’s tricky, isn’t it? When you think about your person with somebody else. It is neither pleasant nor pleasurable to consider that at one time, they might have liked someone else more than you, and if this individual is still a prominent factor or figure in your SO’s life even after the breakup, it can make things more difficult still.
Take it from me, nothing good comes from hating ex’s. Are they nice? Maybe not. But could they be? Actually yes.
I hated *Jane for a very long time. She was with my previous boyfriend *Jake who was my college sweetheart. Me and *Jake had it all planned. We were going to be the cool parents, we would have three staffies and live in the city with our four kids. A nuclear family. However, he dumped me, many MANY times and was not very nice. At all.
After the worst and final breakup, *Jake erased himself from my life and was, at last, gone for good. At the time, I felt like I was dying and my mental health was arguably the worst it had ever been. Not just because of the loss of my white picket fence future, but my pride was damaged and an overwhelming sense of embarrassment followed me when people learnt of his behaviour towards me. Some time passed and to my horror *Jane began to speak to me.
She messaged me on Instagram after I was (rather childishly) creeping on her feed and she asked if I was okay. This was four years ago. We have spoken every single day since. We are inseparable despite our long-distance friendship. We have experienced many things together and arguably the most important was nourishing each other after some very abusive relationships that were due to falling for the same idiot. She now has a child and we both are happy in committed relationships, we are flourishing. I consider her one of closest friends and I love her very much. She helps to calm the storms of anxiety that plague me and get me a little too drunk when we eat takeaway. She is amazing.
Understandably, every situation will not be like this and I am very lucky that myself and *Jane were able to find friendship in each other. My only advice would be that you never know how similar the big bad ex might be to yourself. Perhaps consider that they’re not bad or evil just because they are no longer with your significant other. Relationships are hard enough without demonising people who do not need to be involved. They may not be nice, but they’re definitely not evil.
(*) Names have been changed to respect the mentioned individuals privacy.